The last time that I saw my Pa, (Sunday) he presented me with all of my 'New Birth and one-year-old' baby congrats cards from Mum's friends and family. I looked through them.. they are delightful illustrations. One of them says "New Baby, Lucky You". That must have held some irony at the time.
It is nearly a year since her death, and I started to reflect on the precious moments, at the end of her life. She had apologised to me for 'not being very loving', of course, what do you say, when someone is near death, yellow and a bundle of skin and bones?
First thing that popped into my mind (as per norm) "Don't be so silly, you had three brats to deal with... and your husband" She smiled. Then she recounted "You were a beautiful baby". I said, "Hey, hang on, I'm still beautiful". She said "Yes, you are". Old, but beautiful.
There's a back story, here. My parents were going through marital difficulties, at the time that I arrived on the scene. I believe that my father was 'rather elsewhere' with 'someone else' on his mind. You can interpret that however you like. I know what it means. It means that my mummy felt had utterly betrayed. I know it.
The delivery doctor had offered to adopt me, if it were to help the situation. He had said that he had not delivered such a pretty baby, and that I was utterly 'perfect'. Small and compact (according to legend) It was a genuine offer to enable my mum to cope better. She chose not to give me up, and I am glad of that, or I would not have known her. Adoptions were commonplace in the 1960's. Unwanted pregnancies. Abortion was rare.
I would not have all of these cards sent to her, I would not have the memories, I would not have inherited her wedding dress, that fits my daughter perfectly, and it has bypassed me. Of course. Unlikely that I will marry (presently), let's be real - who'd be mad enough? (Serious Joaquin) Would I be mad enough?
I would have a lot less, if not for my mum. My daughter and sister inherited the 'big rack' (large mammaries) big booty. I did not. My paternal granny had a flatter chest. Smaller derrière. I can imagine Alicia, my daughter, wearing mummy's 'Dior Style' dress ...and how it must look stunning on her. Alicia is stunning, as it is. Mummy's wedding dress is too big for me, at least the last time I tried it (15 or so - and my body is more or less the same size as it was then)
This was yesterday.
Today. Thunder Moon day. Full.
I am very aware that we are in Cancer Season. Ruled by the moon. Moon's in Cancer Season are powerful ones. So, dreaming much? Having intense dreams? Likely. This morning's nightmare was a bit of a negative to start the day on. I worked myself out of it, by doing admin chores and house and garden chores. Phone calls, filing, watering, clearing, cleaning, car washing...all those basic chores.
It was quite an awful dream. I was sitting with my ex-fiancee (is there such a thing when there's no official break-up? Yes, you find your own closure) and he was with another female, younger than me...by several years - and he was kissing her repeatedly while I sat there, just repulsing. Like, I was feeling eugh! That's just not correct. That looks stupid and gross. For some or other reason, I had to sit and watch. It was very disturbing. I woke up, feeling nauseous.
Next thing, after being busy at home, I travelled to Dad's town to do some things. The bank appointment turned into a discussion about Aspergers children and how they tend to have a certain gift, or two. Her Aspergers daughter is a good artist and is Aspergers. She is going to Tate Modern for the first time tomorrow. It's amazing what folk want to share with you. We are all on the spectrum, I believe.
So, card buying time, why not throw in a new pair of +2's...Turquoise and tortoiseshell, cat-eye slant, works with the cheekbones and cat-slanted eyes..and a nose ring. Why not?
Seeing Dad was nice. I turned up just after 4. His gardener was in for the day, weeding and doing jobs that Dad cannot do anymore. We chatted, he made me cuppa that I drank on the doorstep, my favourite part of the house. I let my pooch roam around the garden. At one point, I was standing on the door step discussing his birthday treat from me for Friday, Jazz night. He was looking at me from the opposite side of the room."Do you want some money for a new pair of jeans, perhaps?". Knowing that this was a joke A) My dad never offers money, if he can help it : ) B) It was a dry remark
"Haha, no. This is my Beyonce look". Slashed up skin tight black jeans, brown thigh flashes, 'Keep it Simple T-shirt', very cool black baseball cap with sandy whisps of hair and sufficient gold bling to jangle...tunefully.
"So I see", he said.
I had wanted to ask him if I could Sage the dining room. There's still some sad energy in the room - where mummy died. I brought some with me a few days ago, but it was not the time to do it. I will ask him if he would mind if I were to do it. The thing is this. It's quite a Pagan occupation to use these tools and it's unusual to cleanse with Sage - although becoming more commonplace. For me, it's a ritual. I Sage my home, after visitors, I sage myself at the end of the day. It clears residual energy that might have been collected.
I wanted to rush home to avoid rush hour and to get to la playa, le plage...it was too warm not to go and spend time.
I dropped off my poochy and grabbed my beach bag and sped down there. I did not see Silva (he was not there today) and I sat on the sand. A French family sat nearby. I listened to them chatting and recognising a few bits of conversation. I walked to the rock pools and enjoyed the water.
Only a few minutes of laying flat out, facing down, reading my Sussex Uni Alumni magazine (which I get sent annually) I saw a group of four women and a poodle approaching. I could hear one of them discussing the fact that Shepherds were traditionally buried with a stone in their pocket to show that they were shepherds...ears pricked up, I started to watch them. River. I knew that the voice was familiar. River was once called Lorna.
So, me being me, I approached her."River? How odd, I was reading the Sussex alumni magazine...and you, here..." (River was a Sussex Uni graduate) We embraced. "I have forgotten your name, sorry", she said.
"Laura" - I smiled (everyone forgets my name)
"Yes", she said. "You look fab".
"Thank you very much". (not going to dispute that ; ))
(I guess the, 'Channelling Beyonce' look is hot : )
It was an OMG moment. I have not seen River since our children were at primary school. In 2003 I removed my daughter from a school and placed her at Carlton Hill. River's son was in her class.
The back story is more remarkable. When I was working with Re:action Theatre 1992-94, Robin (my then BF) and his brother Neil had taken me along to River's (then Lorna) writing workshops in a terrace in Hanover. That was when I got the bug. I wrote and wrote and wrote, like a kind of mental and emotional explosion. Robin and Neil had suggested that I had an extraordinary talent for it. I thought not. My punctuation and verbal outpourings left much to be desired (in my mind). I persevered, and we continued to go for at least two terms. I produced a lot of work...which I will dig up one day.
Today, seeing her was a 'wow' factor. When I heard her distinctive voice, blast past. River and her girlfriends were off to have a moon ceremony on the beach. I advised her that it is 'Thunder Moon" tonight and a very powerful moon.
Cancer is rule by the Moon and astrologers would naturally advise that secrets may be revealed, through dreams, or in life. In traditional Tarot, the Moon card represents "secrets/hidden things coming to light" For example; secrets and revelations can come up. Anyone who is keeping secrets from you. Anything that has been 'cloaked' by a person or situation. Don't be surprised by sudden revelations. You may observe that things become more clear to you during this strong moon phase. You might cry more than usual. Of course, if you are cynic, don't expect s***. Cynics do not live in their universal truth.
I speak from a connection with my own spirituality and Universal truth. I accept that the Universe has much to offer and much to take away. I believe in Universal Law, The Law Karma, Kabbalah, Sacred Geometry and the Akashic Records. Not everyone does. And this is ok too. It all depends on on highly you wish to vibrate as a human soul. In the Universal 5D or the 3D, Matrix, system. Higher knowledge is a special place of insight and insight into the esoteric. It's an amazing p[lace to visit. Life becomes more extraordinary. Everything falls into place. It's called 'Faith'.
: ) Happy Thunder Moon
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