......Rest and rejuvenate.
Self advice for the day.
Did just that.
No human contact.
Minding my own.
My own home
My own family
My own time
My own space
My own body
My own mood
My own thoughts
My own feelings
My own voice
My own business
My own peace of mind
Then it occurred to me that I feel very much how my friend Ellen used to feel, living here
She used to go to the shops with her lovely Deerhound 'Woolfie' and feel so very out of place and quite bored by people.
This got me thinking about how the two of us rather stuck out like a sore thumb. Us both educated to degree level, with many other qualifications (in my case) both single mum's with animals and responsibilities as a lone parent has (all the responsibilities) We bonded over our similarities.
Us both privileged, in many ways (private education good and guidance) well brought up, had to grow up fast, a fair amount of tragedy in our families, loners, dyslexic, rebellious, artistic, with a rich inner world and 'different'.
The difference between us is that I am more sociable, by nature, I enjoy taking part in community and group activities eg. running club, fundraising, charity work, committee meetings, helping out, improv and acting group. I don't care where people are from, what their background is. I care if they are a cool, nice, authentic person.
My friend could hardly wait to get away. Her destiny was not here, she was passing through.
She could be quite critical of the simplicity of folk.
I stuck it out. The first few years of living here I was hardly accepted, 'You not be from these p-a-arts'. I knew that. I'd lived in Spain. I'd dealt with prejudiced behaviour. I'd been called 'English slut', 'Puta Inglesa', for being a pretty sexy confident English girl partnered with a Spanish man. I was a modern woman and artist (on a mission) and it was threatening to many, inspiring to others.
I had a different accent, a different way, different appearance, different manners, different ways. I persevered. I felt that I had as much right to be here as anyone. Sure, not from here, not born and bred here, and????
I believe that local residents thought I was 'up myself', because of my accent and the way I present myself.
Nothing could have been further from the truth. I have not considered myself to be a better person than the next, because of my privilege. Privilege is not always a helpful thing and people make assumptions about you. Wrong assumptions.
I went to the shops in my pretty car. I sat outside and watched the Saturday night crowd go in and come out with their wine, beer etc. Some couples, some groups, some singles. I backed up my car for someone to get out more easily from their spot. No thanks at all, no acknowledgement. That's normal, really. I did not mind. I said 'thank you' to me, on their behalf. Life of a Sagittarius: Doing nice kind things for people - just because - and rarely getting any thanks. This is why I thank myself. Every day.
I sat there, people watching and I mused. I am here in my car watching you watching me. I'm 54 never been hitched, often been ditched (for the younger prettier model), and I'm never lonely. 'You two, in a pair, look lonelier than I could ever imagine'. I observed in the couple who did not acknowledge me making space for them. Then I watched a pretty twenty-something walking by, happy in herself. Cool. Kudos.
On wandering to the shop - as myself - and on gathering a few essentials and kitty food, I noticed that the shop was not too busy. Lovely checkout ginger man (who's name escapes me for now*) said, "Hello my lovely" - as I approached the till. Aaaaaaaaw, that's cute.
He knows I can be quite funny and come out with some real ironic sentences, from time to time. I like people who dig irony. Ironic humour. Dry and on the bone. He has also seen me get into a mini-meltdown. I am very open about it. I explain clearly what has harassed me - in this case of overwhelm or being rushed, during a transaction.
I can sit a whole day with me, myself and I. Watching the cat purring next to me on the kitchen rug (us both small and perfectly formed and perfectly nuts)), the dog passed out on the living room floor. No distractions, no TV, no music, no drama, no external blah because I am peaceful and I revel in that feeling of peace. Bliss.
The now is all that we have. Yesterday is gone and the future is not ours to know.
Then, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I have this. My sanctuary. My space, my time, my life and everything I need. Me. Myself. I.
And Ellen too, she has herself. She is good. She is her authentic self.
Not everyone likes Marmite. That's fine too.
*Ian
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