... today I was a hot mess. My mother had been laid to rest just a couple of weeks, my ex had left (with no explanations or closure) and for that time I had held it all in, until the dam burst. I locked myself in and was crying on the floor, in the bath and it was risky for me to go out (in the case of breaking down in public places.
I was eventually exhausted from crying and I was weak from not being able to eat.
Reflecting back on this time, when I could hardly do a thing. I could not bring my mother back and my ex had made it quite clear that he would only attend her funeral for my mother, not for me. I had invited him because he had known her and it was out of respect for her, because she had liked him and had allowed him to sleep in the same bed as me (at her home) and she had not allowed this with any of my previous boyfriends. I already knew that he was not there to give me any support.
I realised (real eyes-d) that I had been in a 'situationship' for four years, and not a 'relationship'. Real-lies-ing this was harsh. Relationships are supposed to evolve and grow, but there was no foundation and no real friendship. As I said it was a 'situationship' and not (as I had been deluding myself into believing) a 'relationship'.
A family friend had asked me if he was my boyfriend. I looked across the room, saw him standing with his back to me, and said, "I don't know". It had sounded so very odd. The reality was, that I did not know, anymore what the situationship really was. I guess it was two people who had drifted apart so much that it had become a literal question mark.
What made it harder to understand was the delusion that I was under. Relationship 'Relation Ship' is the understanding that the the connection would travel somewhere. It was clearly a 'Situation Ship', and situations need not go anywhere at all. They are simply a situation that might well travel to nowhere. Just stop.
It was not my fault. The individual had a history of four-year situationships, and my time had expired. I had seen all of the red flags, but I had chosen to ignore them.
In the case that a friend of mine had seen him with a 'woman with grey hair', in the winter of 2017, I had passed it off as a 'friend of his, platonic' who had recently been married in the summer of the same year. Innocent. In retrospect, it probably wasn't that innocent, and why did my friend feel the need to alert me?
So, real-eyes-ing and real-lies-ing that there was something that I had not seen rather made me feel very naive.
I had seen this 'grey-haired' (dyed grey) woman at the well being hospital, Brighton and she was pregnant having just left her husband (of 8-9 months). She had made a comment, in front of me, to my ex, "I'm going to move in with you". I had thought that this was an odd comment, and I wondered why she would say such a thing in front of me, as if I was not there. It was extremely disrespectful. I did not question it because I considered that she was feeling very unstable, only that. Some individuals have no respect for others and have no gratitude for a single thing. That's ok, it takes all sorts of characters to make a world. I did not take it to heart. Believe me, I have given a lot more of myself, my time, my generosity, my talent and good wishes for even less thanks and even less respect.
At her wedding, I remember clearly that she did not acknowledge me or even thank me for attending - or for her wedding gift. Hand made, a small painting. No gratitude. None. Simple. She did not like me, at all.
It occurred to me, months later, that her baby - born in September of last year - was likely the result of a liaison with my ex. It would have made perfect sense.
Messy.
The secrets and (real) lies-ation.
Then later, in the Spring of this year I accepted that explanations are not always necessary. Feet talk, in the direction they walk, and it is not my right to direct this. Free will is for everyone. People will always come and go from your life. Those who are meant to be in your life will be, those who are not meant are not meant.
Whatever I know, or do not know regarding the whole real-eyes-ation - or figment-ation of imagination - is not mine to know and my main concern is the good relationship that I have with myself and that it continues to grow as I move through my fifth decade and into my sixth. And, of course, the relationships that I have with my family and friends, my home, my community, my work and my environment. These are important to me.
I am now very far removed from where I was a year ago. I have worked hard to heal from the emotional turmoil that I was in. I am single and happy with my life, all that I have achieved, all that I have, all that I give, all that I am and all of the beauty in my life. I invest in myself, because I learned the hard way...not to invest in people who do not want to invest in you, who are not in it for the long haul. I have learned a great deal. I am grateful for these harsh lessons. Lessons make you grow and make you learn from your mistakes. Also, to never have expectations of anyone. It will lead to disappointment.
I think about him, more than I should. I hope that he has found happiness with someone, but this time in a relationship - someone whom he truly wants to be with. I sometimes imagine if we were to cross paths again. This is an unlikelihood. We do not have any mutual friends or go to any mutual places. If so, what do you say? I suppose you would exchange pleasantries and ask a bit about how you and your families are and then walk away thinking how you are both 'just somebody I used to know', and carry on with your respective business. The cycle of life. It always goes around.
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