Looking good on the weather front. Thank you G-d
Thank you (my) D-g for coming with me on the most beautiful summery walk
Sometimes I lead her, sometimes she leads me
I found the loveliest carcass of a sheep. I have my eye on the skull - for when it is completely decomposed
Hoping that a fox doesn't get to it
It's decaying matter, now
I think that the decomposition will speed up in the summer months
I once had a sheep's skull and a fox skull, that I had found on the Downs. They were perfect
I gave them to a school who were asking, on Gumtree, for skulls for the classroom
I gave them away
My daughter was annoyed with me
I have been hoping for another skull
I like skulls
At art school we drew and studied from skulls
They are very interesting to draw
Using a new palette of colours is fun. Not working to a set deadline is different
I'm going to keep on with this series and see where it goes, while exploring other gallery options
I thought and felt that I would not paint again
I thought and felt that I would never write again
I thought and felt that I would not smile again
I thought and felt that I would not laugh again
I thought and felt that I would not live again
I thought and felt I could not pull myself up, by the boot straps, and stabilise myself again
I have proved myself wrong, again
Funny, after a breakdown, you believe that that is the virtual end of your life as you know it
Maybe a breakdown is actually a breakthrough, in disguise
I sense some very good weather coming, this season
The best thing about a breakdown/breakthrough?
You come out of it alive
You come out of it changed
You come out of it like a warrior
Battle scarred
You lick your wounds
You heal yourself
You carry on
You go slow
You go
You
The worst bit about a breakdown/breakthrough
Nobody knows you
Nobody sees you
Nobody notices
Nobody really cares
Nobody understands
They think you are fine
Because you say that you are
They think you are doing ok
Because you don't complain
They think that you are 'not being yourself'
They say that they want to see the 'joyful you' again
They don't understand that the 'joyful you' has gone away, for now
They do not understand you at all
They do not understand, that because you are smiling, you are covering up your sadness
You smile, anyway
Because you do not want to frown
You smile anyway, because you prefer to
You smile at everyone, and they assume that 'all is good in the hood'
And the facade continues until you actually smile, again.....
You fake it until you make it..
.....and when you actually smile again, when you actually laugh again...
...you hardly believe it yourself
You get there because living is a whole lot more fun than dying
A whole lot more fun than the dark places that you have been to
Coming out of mourning is a better place to be
I will still wear black
Half of my soul will always be dark
Half of my humour will always be dark
Half of my life will always be dark (I sleep 12 hours, often)
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