Grieving

Grief is an odd emotion.

When you have lost many people, who are dear to you, you get quite used to it.

The grief does not ever go away. You only learn how to cope with it.

It is healthy to allow yourself to cry, even though time has passed.

Occasionally, I undergo a tidal wave of grief, and it comes out of nowhere. I used to block it, and not allow myself to 'indulge' in the emotional wave. I have learned that it is a process and that however 'healed' that you may feel it does not discount the days or hours when you become overwhelmed with the sense of sadness and loss. But, boom boom, does it shake the room : ) when the grief hits you sideways out of the blue.

I do not expect anyone to understand my grieving process, everyone has their unique way of dealing with grief and I, personally, take myself out of any public situations to go within and to nurture myself and lick my wounds. I have a very private way of dealing with grief. Although, I am more than happy to write about it and share my experience with others. I cry in the dark or in the shower.

In front of others, I will make light of it - often - and I am blessed with an amazing sense of humour which is also a creative outlet for me.

Last year, Aug-Sept I lost my mother after her long and courageous battle with cancer.

When she phoned me to tell me that she was starting her 'end of life plan', I was devastated, even though I knew that it was coming up.

When I was nursing her, in the last months and weeks and hours it was both exhausting and terrifying, scary, depressing, a privilege and one of the saddest times of my life.

The grief hit me just a few weeks after her passing and funeral. It was a shock, it was a hugely emotionally unbalancing. I thought that I would not ever get over it.

At about the same time I lost my ex (fiancee) and I believe that I lost him to a maleficent female. *I felt, intuitively, that he was taken from me by an individual who was 'not so good', 'maleficent' (which loosely translates as: something/someone very close to malevolent or diabolical and is a lot stronger than naughty or mischievous) I do not pry into the affairs of others - their life is their own and mine is mine - respectively. I have had a degree of spiritual guidance to help me to come to terms with my own grief and healing. This, whether I am accurate in my beliefs or not, makes me feel very sad. There are such individuals in the world and someone's negative influence may not become apparent until much later on.

An individual with a maleficent energy may be like a Siren, enticing and falsely acting as someone that they are not. It has happened time and time again, throughout history. I am sorry for any man or woman who has been falsely enticed by a sick and twisted individual posing as someone else. A person of malevolent and not benevolent energy. It's a hard lesson to learn and a bitter pill to swallow.

I pray a lot for their safety, because that is all that I can do, as well as to live my best life and to accept any feelings of grief that come up to the surface from time to time. Letting people go is a difficult thing to do, easier if you have had a lot of experience, but still, not easy. Everyone makes their bed, and I guess they just have to lie in it. I cannot worry about other people's life choices. I have to be concerned with my own.

Praying and meditating is helpful and to be 'supernaturally' kind to myself is of utmost importance - regardless of whom is being unkind towards me. I have been through too much, over the years and it is not easy to keep myself buoyant - at times. We have to just keep on swimming. I practice gratitude for all of the small, large and good things in my life - regardless of the things that I do not. It is not healthy to dwell on what you have not got. It literally blocks your blessings.

*This is not factual information, this is how I feel, sense and understand certain situations that make no logical sense to me. In the case of the irrational and non-sensical I will often seek guidance from spiritual sources. I find that it helps.